I Try Not to be Afraid, But I Am

I try not to be afraid, but I am.

I’ve been afraid of just about everything.  I’m afraid of myself, others and tomorrow.  I’m afraid of the evil that may befall my children and I tremble to think that I won’t be there to save them.

Some days the fears would cripple me to the point that I failed to engage in life.

I read the scriptures that say ‘trust in the Lord’ and ‘The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear?’, so why all the anxiety?

I found a scripture tucked away in 1 John 4; right after the one that says God is love.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Love. Perfect love.  That’s what casts out fear.

I love God and I knew he loved me, so what was the problem?!  The problem was I didn’t know perfect love.   I knew God loved me, but I was afraid that he was continually angry or disappointed in my miserable existence.  I believed the lie that I was the embarrassing child.  So, my love was guarded; I love you Jesus, but please don’t punish me.

As my life got messier and the fabric of my life was being ripped apart, I couldn’t keep it together anymore.  I was losing the battle.  I knew my creator was close, so I turned and dared to look him in the eyes and I realized his eyes aren’t filled with disgust, but desire.

With shaky hands, I began to peel back the shields I had carefully placed around my heart and let God love me; desire me.  I believed him when he said,

show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.

I stopped making excuses for my mess and let him enjoy me in it.  I listened to the lies and then dissed them.

I don’t know when it happened, but I think it was while I was recovering from the shock that God’s biggest desire is me, that nothing fulfills God more than enjoying me on my journey to love him with my whole heart.  Me and my mess is exactly what he wants.  Like I said, I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way Fear lost his power over me.

I’m on a journey, so now when Fear sneaks in and I find myself sinking down, I don’t panic and I don’t beat myself up.

I let Perfect Love love me.  I let myself ravish His heart.  Then, I let Him cast out my fear.