It was the final weeks of my fourth pregnancy. I was sitting alone in the crowd at a church where Matt was the worship pastor. For the past year, I’d been living in a B-rated Mean Girls movie, and today was the day they were honoring four young women for their accomplishments. I loved these girls, they were beautiful, talented and genuine lambs, except they were the in crowd. They were accepted, and I wasn’t. There were a couple of people who I could talk to, but for the most part, I was the wall flower.
So, as each girl was brought up on stage, my agony grew. I looked down at my swollen ankles caused by the baby I was bringing into the world. I was convinced that I had zero capacity to love this baby. He was a surprise, and in that season, not a happy one.
I couldn’t celebrate with these amazing women. I couldn’t find it in me to appreciate their shining moment. I felt the sting inside, and the shame of my jealousy intensified the agony.
God, why have you forgotten me? I’m sure I have something to offer the world, so why am I rejected?
I didn’t know how to rejoice with them, because I could only feel the pain of my own bleeding heart. I kept myself busy in my seat, to keep the hot tears from spilling out.
We had a guest speaker from Australia, who I’d briefly met, but hadn’t said much more than the expected pleasantries. After the awards ceremony, he took the microphone, and the first words that came out of his mouth were, “Is Charity Craig here this morning? Please come up front”.
Just like that, every eye in the room was on me. Just like that, I was remembered.
I waddled to the front, and the tears were too much to hold back. Steven Davis stood in front of me and for three minutes spoke life giving words to me in front of onlookers.
He said things like,
“The Lord would say to you, my daughter, fear not, fear not, fear not…the Lord is here to say, I love you with a perfect love”.
“The love that I’m about to swamp upon your life will cast out every fear”.
“I’m going to pour my love on you like hot fudge chocolate on an ice cream”.
“Do not worry about the child in your womb, because this child is destined for greatness”.
“God, even though she thought you had forgotten all about her, you are right in the apple of his eye”.
Never before had I been called out by name from a crowd. Never before had the Unseen respond to my wounded soul with an audible voice.
Love was about to swamp upon my life.
Except, three months later, church funds dried up, they handed Matt his last check, cut the rope and said, “Have a nice life”.
The next eight months our ship was tossed into a dark violent storm. My fear kept me paralyzed, and the only peace I knew was when I held our brand new baby. We never did without, while Matt worked small odd jobs. Acquaintances showed up at our door with $1600 cash. Anonymous $700 checks showed up in the mail. We we’re in the palm of Love’s hand, except I couldn’t see, because fear blinded me.
Our life took a turn and Matt was offered his dream church job. Except, this dream job soon felt more like a nightmare. Eighty hour work weeks left me feeling like a single mom, and in my own misery, I failed to see Matt sinking below the surface.
Then, one day our ship slammed into the rocky shore of disaster, and to save his family from public shame Matt walked out of his dream job. Feeling alone and forgotten, I was pulled under the waves and I knew this was the end.
Except, Love said, “It’s not over until I say it’s over”.
Standing in my make shift room, Love pulled back the veil that concealed my future and showed me the goodness he wanted to give me. He poured his Perfect Love over me like hot fudge chocolate, dismantling every Fear, setting me free from the tyranny of Fear and Lies.
Now, I live in the freedom his Perfect Love brings.
A couple of weeks ago, Matt reminded me of that Sunday morning, so I searched our computer and found the audio of the words Steven spoke over me. As I listened to his words, I cried. A lot. Because it was three years after he spoke those words, that I finally understood and believed them.
I attached the audio for you, because I don’t believe these words are just for me, but for every daughter of Love. He’s calling your name out from a crowd. He’s remembering you when you feel forgotten. He’s saying to every single one of us, My daughter, fear not, fear not, fear not. I am here today to say, I love you with a perfect love.
Get ready, my dove. I’m about to pour My perfect love over you, like hot fudge chocolate.