It was bedtime and my littlest monkey, Christian, walked up with doe eyes and began a three-year-old conversation. If you’re a mother, then you know how every single naughty and frustrating moment vanished and my heart was overwhelmed with delight and all I wanted to do was hug and kiss his little face.
Out of nowhere, my mind was infiltrated by the horrible thought of “what if”. You know, the what if something horrible happened to my baby. I did my best to dismiss the thought, but it was too late; the thought had already wrapped it’s evil tentacles around my mind. My heart began a mild panic attack. For the rest of the evening and into the night I envisioned scenario after scenario of the worst cases with my babies.
At some point I turned on myself and began to replay “close calls” where I came up short as a mom. Like, the time Charis darted into the street and I was too far behind to stop her. Or the time Hunter lagged too far behind in the crowded parking lot and I was distracted by another child to notice.
Over and over I played the horror reel of What Could’ve Happened. I began to beat myself up and trembled at the things that could’ve happened. I tried to figure out ways to supercharge my motherly protection standards, but no matter what plan I came up with there were still too many dangers too far from my reach.
Laying in the darkness, once again I had to face one of the the hardest truths I’ve ever had to face:
I’m not in control.
Everyone is out of my control, everyone except me. The more I try to hold my little world together and the more I try to control those around me the more I suffer from fear, anxiety and depression.
I replayed the words Love spoke to my heart five years ago, “I love them more than you ever will and I will always take care of them”.
Over and over, until His love quieted my fears.
I drifted off to sleep grateful that the One who loves them more than me is the one who’s in control.
Why as mothers do we constantly beat ourselves up? And worry. I drive myself crazy with my worrying. But you are absolutely correct that He is in complete control.
I guess we worry because if it was up to us, nothing painful would ever happen to our children, but we know that it can and will and I can’t stop it from happening. There lies our inner conflict.
Charity,
Love that you have a blog. Have you thought about writing a book.
Thanks, Stacey!! I have, actually. 🙂