I could pin inspirational quotes all day long. I could clog my Facebook feed with scripture posts and prayers, but after I turned out the lights and I was alone with myself, I still felt like sh*t.
As a Christian, this was freedom? If so, then freedom sucked. I hate to be the one who says it, but prayers and small group bible studies just didn’t make it any better. Worry, anger and fear consumed me. The only thing that was getting better was the beautiful self-righteous package I hid it all in.
Was I in this misery because I didn’t have enough faith in God? How could I get any more faith? My heart cried out to him with a resounding, YES!!
After the fabric of my life was ripped apart, I took a hard look inside. I became aware. Aware of the mess inside.
That’s when I became aware of the inner voices:
No one will love me if they know who I really am.
I can’t do anything right.
I don’t deserve goodness.
I didn’t just listened to these voices, I embraced them as a comfortable friend. I believed the lies. The lies were my reality.
That’s when I began to practice something I’ve decided to call
Diss the Lie. Kiss the Truth.
First, I began by Dissing the Lies. One lie at a time.
I thought about my thoughts. I acknowledged my thoughts, and then I began putting them into exact words:
No one will love me if they know who I really am. And does God really love me? Because it sometimes feels like hate.
I knew it was a lie, but it sure felt like the truth.
I began everyday to speak out loud, “You are a lie and I will NOT believe you anymore”.
Then, I Kissed the Truth.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Charity, I know every part of you. Now grasp how wide and long and high and deep is my love for you. ~Jesus
At first, nothing. The lie was much easier to believe.
Over and over. Over and over. I would kiss the truth,
Charity, you have stolen my heart. I’m overwhelmed with love for you. ~Jesus
Over and over. Over and over.
I would let nothing else in.
Charity, as much as I love myself, I love you. ~Jesus
Jesus, show me what your love looks like! I’m desperate to know your love for me!
Until one day, Love flooded every part of me. Wave after wave Love washed over me.
Finally, I believed the truth.