The digital bells rang out, calling us to a new morning. Their ringing was in surround sound, because we both have our phones set to go off at the same time. I fumbled around trying to tap my snooze screen without opening my eyes. Neither one of us were quite ready to peel ourselves off our queen size angel’s wings, but after a few more snooze taps we stumbled into our morning, with little words or eye contact.
It’s on one of our morning passes that Matt stopped, engulfed me in his arms, and with a scratchy voice said, “I love you so much.” We held each other for another minute, and finished it off with a kiss. In that moment we stood in a deep river, the rush wasn’t fast, but it was furious and alive, with a sense of certainty and oneness.
We didn’t make it to that moment without first walking through a fiery hell. When I was reading about the stages of marriage, there’s one called the Explosion Stage. It’s where life-altering events send you, your spouse or both into crisis. I’m gonna just lay it out on the table; your husband’s affair is an explosion. Also, death of a loved one, infertility, job loss, and so many more of life’s challenges can push you into the explosion stage.
Everything blows up in your faces. Shrapnel penetrates your skin, your hearts are gushing blood, and two people once in love aren’t fighting to save their marriage, they’re fighting to take their next breath. Things get ugly. The wounds are so deep, so intense, that making the pain stop consumes your every thought. You become delusional, you lose your sense of reality, and the pain causes you to turn on your own flesh and devour him (or her) with certainty that he’s the source of your pain.
And all you can think is, “Get out. Save yourself.”
Or maybe you’re the one, through all the pain, can hear a small voice whisper inside, “I’m not ready to end this.” Listen to that voice. Trust that voice. Be brave, stay on the gory front lines for as long as you can. You don’t have to give up until you’re ready to give up.
Then, save yourself. Get help. You can’t change your spouse, you can’t make your spouse stay, and you can’t save your spouse, but you can change, you can stay, and you can save yourself. Do it like your life depends on it, because it does, and even if your marriage doesn’t survive the explosion, you will.
And if your marriage does survive there’s a final stage — the Completion Stage. I think they gave it such a boring name. I mean, if you survive an explosion, then the next stage needs to have a better name than that, like Awesome Sauce stage, or Cremé de la cremé Stage, but I digress.
It’s in this final stage that something major happens. There’s a deepness to the river that was never there before. There’s openness, life, and unity. And if you truly save yourself, then you will find freedom and happiness after the explosion.
One article I found reads,
Part of being a happy man is to never lose the boy within; the same goes for women – there is the spirit of a young girl inside, no matter how many wrinkles edge the eyes. Maintaining a childlike love of life, laughter, nature, and each other is the real secret to a perpetually blessed relationship. It is also living in the present, not the past. In the completion stage of marriage, there is never a belief that the best times are over – they should always be today and tomorrow.
So, no matter what stage you’re on in your journey of marriage, I hope you remember to be brave and risk it all to stay and fight after the explosion, because what you’ll find on the other side of the fiery hell is the cremé de la cremé.
… … …
This post is part of the #write31days challenge, 31 Days Falling in Love with the Journey. I’d love to stay connected with you through Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Come by and say hi!
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Look who was right below me in the 5 a day thread!
What is especially joyful is the creme de la creme over and over again. Life happens, disconnect happens, reconnection happens. That childlike self – maintaining it and loving it in your significant other makes such a difference.
As always, love reading your words!
I know! You know what they say about great minds!
Here’s to embracing the cremé de la cremé, no matter what! 🙂
Bless you, thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for stopping by to read it.
I too have been through what you have experienced. So hard, not to listen to the voices telling you to get out, save yourself. But, then something tells you to be silent and wait, wait and see if there is some ray of hope in that he will love you again the way he loved you on your wedding night or when the kids were born. Those were my thoughts, so I did wait, and we are still together. Somehow it is comforting to know others have shared these same experiences in their marriage. I’m proud of you for stepping out and speaking about this to help other woman know they can get through this too.
I know, people everywhere (Christians included) were saying get out, and I understand it’s because they love us, and hate to see us hurting, but it’s important to listen to the voice inside and trust it. I’m so glad you waited and stayed. It seems like the weaker thing at first, but truthfully it takes alot of strength to stay and wait with no guarantee.
Friend, (I’m going to go ahead and call you friend, ok?!) 🙂 I had to go back and catch up a bit, and I just want to thank you for your courageousness in writing this series. Thank you for being real, and honest, and passionate about your marriage. The Lord is going to use this!
Friend, yes!! It’s been a long journey, but it’s definitely made me passionate about marriage. Thanks for coming by.
I loved this post! SO much truth. I find it so sad today that so many people are willing to give up their marriage at the slightest tinge of trouble. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it.
I have walked (am walking) a similar road…
https://aninnerdisposition.blogspot.com/2014/10/when-it-all-blows-up.html?m=1
I look forward to catching up on your story.
I read you story, and I’m thankful that you’re willing to share the hard things you’ve walked through. It’s not easy.
Wonderful reminder…beautiful post! The creme de la creme is worth it all. Thank you for your support of marriage! (visiting from 31 days).
Yes it is! Thanks for stopping by.
This is beautiful Charity…I too have been through a little piece of hell in marriage and so glad God gave me the strength to fight and to stay until the now we get to share together. Press on sister! Visiting from the 31dayers FB page – we’ve almost made it!
Thanks for taking the time to stop by and read my post. It means alot to me! And I’m so glad you stayed and fought for the other side of hell. Hugs.
Brutiful – quoting Glennon from the Momastery FB page! Thanks for your honesty – you are awesome sauce for sure!
I’m so happy you quoted Glennon! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.
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There were many explosions in our four year marriage and I held on tenaciously after each one. I prayed fervently, on my knees, nose to the ground for God to do a miracle. I cried out to Him for a faith that could move any mountain, certain that He would bring us through with a testimony that would bring Him glory. My physical, emotional and spiritual health suffered as did my relationships with some close friends and family. Three months ago I tapped out and I finally left my abusive husband. Sometimes you have to count the cost and it just became too great for me. I’m in the process of picking up the broken pieces of my life knowing that the God who loves me and knows my pain is the One who in time will restore and heal me.
I’m so glad you were wise enough and loved yourself to know when enough is enough. I know tapping out is never easy and in a lot of ways feels like failure, but it isn’t failure. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. I know your broken pieces will make a beautiful mosaic that will always glorify God. Thanks for sharing your heart with me.