Why Can’t He Be the Man I Think He Should Be

Be the man Here we are again.  How do we end up here every single day?

I’ve asked him not to forget to put air in my tires.  I’m pretty sure he’s forgotten, and if I’m completely honest, I think he just ignored me.

He’s left the toilet seat up. Again.

Did he really just yell at the kids about that?  That was completely unnecessary.  Why can’t he just be more loving and gentle to our kids?

I just tripped over his shoes again.  He better be thankful I’m a loving wife, and I didn’t pick them up and throw them at his head.

He just picked his nose sitting next to me?!  He knows how much I hate that.

Oh, here he comes in for a kiss, I hope he doesn’t think he’s getting anything tonight.  Does he not even care how tired I am?

How can he still be asleep when I’m up with the kids?  I’m furious that he can be so insensitive.  He can fix his own breakfast.

Thank goodness I’m a submissive wife, because if I wasn’t, I’d be nagging him all day long, instead of giving him my silent treatment.  I hope I’m making my point, but by his jolly self, I’m gathering not.

Maybe I should say something.  Are you going to take care of the things I asked you to do or are you just going to sit around all day?  There.  That passive aggressive question should get the job done.

Did he seriously surprise me with a vanilla shake?!  He knows I love chocolate!

This is so frustrating, why can’t he be the man I think he should be, instead of the man he is?

26 thoughts on “Why Can’t He Be the Man I Think He Should Be

  1. Mary says:

    I really like the last line in this one. As I’m reading this I relate to every single one of these statements…except the toilet seat. My husband actually puts it down, lol. But it’s true, there are so many things we want to change about others, not even just our significant other, that we forget they are their own person just as much as we our our own person. We can’t change other people, only our reaction to them. If the same old reaction isn’t working to find compromise, then maybe it’s not the other person that needs to change, but our reaction instead. For me…that’s all talk. I hold it in, then get passive aggressive, then blow up and yell. I think I need to do a little bit of work on me, LOL

    • Charity says:

      You and me sound like we’re cut from the same rug. 😉 I’m learning (the hard way) that I’m the one who needs to change. Not an easy pill to swallow.

  2. Life Breath Present says:

    Oh how easy it is to get into thinking this way. For me, the trick is recognizing that it’s not him (or whomever), rather me not asking for help, saying what I need to, or whatever else and changing *my* behavior or attitude. 🙂

    • Charity says:

      I’m learning to speak up too. It was a strange awareness to realize it’s not easy for me to speak up. I’ve had a hard time learning to verbalize my needs and desires.

  3. Megan Fankhauser says:

    As I read through this I think about times that I have thought similar things, even down to your last sentence. But, it is important for me to remember that “The Man I Think He Should Be” might not be the man God created him to be. The things that rub me the wrong way are things that I center around myself and how it affected me. I feel I have to look past my own desires and look at the root behind my dissatisfaction. I realize often that I hold my husband to an expectation of what I believe the our marriage and world should look like. When I focus so heavily on that I lose sight of what God is trying to teach me and how he is trying to use our marriage. Once I try to focus on God’s desire for our marriage, I am then able to try to approach these situations with more honesty and love, and less passive aggressive, resentment. (Although, the passive aggressiveness comes way too easy and is hard to break).

    • Charity says:

      You put it all so beautifully, Megan! And you’re right, passive aggressiveness is too easy & hard to break! Thanks for taking the time to share your comment!

      • Shannon (@DEsUnion) says:

        Megan that WAS perfectly put! Once I take the focus off of his actions that affect me in a way I don’t like, my joy is restored. He can act however he wants, the only person he is hurting is himself. Sometimes my words come out lovingly and honestly and sometimes I get so fed up that the passive aggressive lady vomits words that I swore was just going to stay in my head 🙂 It is amazing how much marriage has changed me in a good way and the character improvements it forces me into.

  4. Rebecca says:

    I can relate in a lot of ways, though usually a different context. But I’ve found over the years through our conversations that he often thinks the same thing about the things I do and don’t do. You know, like like you’re too tired for a little action, maybe he was too tired to mow the lawn type of thing. We both try to be more upfront now, because passive aggressive doesn’t work in our household, we’re too much alike and in the end it will just cause more frustration. He is the man he is and that’s the man I married and love and I’m learning to live with the irritations as long as we work on the big stuff. I’ve found that when you don’t address things, everything starts to bug you, but if you take care of the larger issues, the rest really aren’t that bad.

  5. Laurie WJN says:

    Hey Charity – I think we have all felt like that at some point in a relationship, but one of the really nice things about getting older is being able to relax and see someone for who they are not what I want them to be. My fiancé (we are getting married in 2 weeks) is notorious for forgetting things, leaving piles of clothes everywhere and making a big mess, but he is also so kind and loving and sweet. I have decided to focus on what he does well ( and there are sooo many things) and just let go of the stuff I want to change – because I know at 51, he isn’t going to change Each day think of at least 3 things that your hubby does really well. Focus on every single moment when you are happy together. Really try to see things as he does – he probably meant to put air in your tires but he got distracted. Changing your attitude will help a lot, it won’t change him, but it will make you feel so much better.

    • Charity says:

      It’s amazing how quickly the situation improves when you focus on changing yourself and not the other person! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!

  6. Tiffany says:

    Wow! This is definitely a reflection on a day in my head a bit more often than I care to admit. Isn’t it funny how our feelings, emotions and perception of someone we love can change so frequently. I am so thankful that love helps me to keep looking for the milkshake surprises and not at the shoes in the middle of the floor 😀 Wonderful post…a truly honest and enjoyable read. It’s nice to meet you, Charity – stopping by from SITSGirls 😀

  7. Laura H says:

    I totally get you. One thing I found out is that we were speaking different love languages. He does his love language with me (doing things that I really don’t need/care about) and not what I need: affection verbal affirmation. It is a process and we are working on it. I made a pact to myself to look for the positives because the negatives can weigh me down and some days I wallow in the negative, not gonna lie. We have read Love Languages (only the part about which one are we and what does it look like) and sometimes it works other times we forget. Another book I read is Dance of Anger. This might be a good one for you to do. It helps you phrase what to say. I hope that you can find the path you both can take to make less stressful on you.

    • Charity says:

      Yeah, we read Love Languages, too, and it’s so easy to forget what we learned when we get into the day to day mundane. It’s always good to have a refresher on these things. Thanks for stopping by.

  8. Ginger says:

    One of those proverbial ouch moments – like when you’re in the store and some mom is berating their child and you think “that mom’s behavior is disgusting” then you go home and speak to your child in the very same manner. I need a t-shirt that says “trying to be as awesome as I expect my husband to be”.

  9. jonnie says:

    Charity, thanks for not pretending to be okay but instead, to become accountable to reach higher for a better you.
    I definitely don’t go to God as much as I need to and that just means I live with frustration longer than I have to. Could it be that I’m just as headstrong as my mate? Yes.:)

  10. Stacey says:

    Holy good grief. I am all of this and a bow on top. To add to that I will also feel that when I bring it all up I’m either being passive aggressive or naggy (ie…why do you never follow through on xyz). It makes me sad that I can see my pattern but not the better way. Bleh.

    Feeling a little down about my progress is all. I’ll get there.

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