I Betrayed Someone I Thought I Loved

“God damn It!  I don’t even know him!  Just leave me alone”!

Somewhere in the distance a rooster crowed.  Peter had betrayed the Son of God.

Not even 24 hours earlier, Peter had pledged his undying love for Jesus.  Not even 24 hours earlier, Peter had declared his commitment to follow Jesus even if it meant death.

Stunned by his own actions, Peter stumbled into the night.  Tears of failure burned his face.

Hypocrite.

Failure.

Fake.

I betrayed someone I thought I loved.

The death and resurrection of Jesus happened in a blur for Peter.  The entire chain of events were darkened by his own shame, and when Jesus appeared to his disciples a couple of times, Peter hid among his friends.  Knowing the darkness inside, Peter felt he wasn’t worthy to be one of Jesus’s chosen.

Not knowing what else to do with his great failure, Peter returned to the family business.  Fishing would be safe.  Fishing would keep him from failing again.

After a long night of fishing, Peter was baffled to see Jesus at the shore.  Peter quickly grabbed a jacket to cover his bare, fatigued body, and overwhelmed by love for Jesus, jumped overboard and swam to shore.

After a breakfast of grilled fish, Jesus took Peter for a walk.

“Peter, do you truly love me”?

“Yes, you know that I love you”.

“Peter, do you truly love me”?

“Yes, Jesus, you know that I love you”!

“Peter, do you love me”?

Peter couldn’t believe Jesus kept asking him such a question.  It was like Jesus didn’t believe how much Peter loved him.

Hurt, Peter said with all his force, “JESUS, YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU“!

Jesus said, “Then, follow me”.

You see, Jesus wasn’t the one who needed to be convinced of Peter’s love.  Peter was the one who needed to be convinced of Peter’s love for Jesus.

Jesus was saying to Peter, You DO love me.  Your weak love for me is real.  I saw your love for me before you failed.  I don’t see your weak flesh, I see your sincere love for me. Have confidence to follow me.

Just like Peter, I have devoted my life and heart to Jesus.  I declared my deepest love for him, but somehow I managed to betray my love every single day.  I tried to hide from the overwhelming shame of my failures, but I just continued to sink under the load of condemnation.

Hypocrite.

Failure.

Fake.

I betrayed someone I thought I loved.

Then, I heard Jesus ask me, “Charity, do you love me”?

My heart screamed, “YES, I LOVE YOU”!

He didn’t ask me because he needed to know if I love him.  No, he asked because I’m the one who needed to be convinced of MY love for Jesus.  He wanted me to know that he doesn’t just see my failures, but he delights in my sincere attempt to love him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  When I understand how much my messy and immature love ravishes his heart, then, and only then, will I have the confidence to live in the freedom he has provided for me.

… … …

Scripture reference John 13:31-38, 18:15-27, 21