All I want is to stay close. I pull his tiny body close to mine and I smell his sweet breath, but I don’t mind. His tiny hands are soft on my cheeks and my heart swells in my chest.
“I wuv you, mommy”. Our foreheads meet and our eyes go cross. We crumple on the couch with tickles and giggles. This is what I was meant to do, to be. I didn’t know I could love someone this much.
Except, what if the worst case happens? What if there’s a hole in my love, and he’s ripped away? This is a pain I could never bear, so pull him closer. I hold him tighter, and pray this moment will last. The moment doesn’t last. It slips out of my hands before I have a chance to tuck it away in my mind for later recall.
Now his height is almost equal to mine. He still wants to hug me, but it’s a quick moment and then he’s off, and soon I know he’ll be out the door. I call after him, “I love you”.
“I love you too, mom”!
I close my eyes and try to find a special place to tuck the memory, so I’ll always know where to find it. I never want him to leave, but always stay close. I fight the fear lurking behind my love. What if disaster strikes? What if he breaks my heart? How do I keep someone I love here, never to leave?
I can’t. I cannot control the evil lurking. I cannot stop disaster or the what ifs, but waiting for the other shoe to drop doesn’t protect me from potential pain. So, I’ve decided let go. I’ve decided to let go of my fear of what I cannot control. I choose to live in this moment. I choose to love deeply, and not protect myself from any possible pain.
I don’t have control over tomorrow. I cannot make my children’s life decisions, but I can love them with all abandonment, and, yes, I risk incredible pain, but I also allow incredible joy to flood my heart.
I choose to drink in the deep love for my children in this moment. Maybe they’ll walk away from everything I’ve tried to teach them. Maybe they’ll break my heart. Maybe disaster will strike and they’ll be taken away. Maybe or maybe not, but I choose not to brace myself for that maybe. I choose to let tomorrow take care of itself and love with no guarantee, because if there is a hole in my love that they slip through, I trust that the net of Love will always be there to catch them.
So, how do you love when there’s no guarantee everything will be ok?
Share your love story and then link-up here. Don’t forget to leave your perfect at the door! You have until next Monday to link-up your stories below or if you’re not a blogger, share in the comments or on social media with the #GoodEnoughMom hashtag.
I don’t want to make any hard set rules, but there are a few things I’d like to encourage those who participate to do:
1. Add a Confessions of a Good Enough Mom Tuesdays badge to your post.
2. Let’s not just expect to receive love. Let’s dish it out!! Take some time to read other blogs linked here, leave meaningful encouragement, and share some of their posts on social media with the #GoodEnoughMom hashtag.
3. We’re all on an imperfect journey, so let’s be real, honest and raw with our posts. Leave your perfect at the door.
4. Be yourself and let’s have fun!
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For next week,
Share a supermom story when you rocked this mom thing!
Just because we’re imperfect in our mothering, doesn’t mean we never get it right, so let’s take a moment and celebrate when we nailed it!
Here’s a pinnable image and a badge to grab and use in your post.