My Induction to Sainthood {Part 2}

I don’t remember many of the details after that or the order of events.  It’s hard to remember when you get punched in the face and shoved into a swirling pool.  I do remember my first response; push is all down and put a Jesus blanket on it.  My forgiveness blanket.

I’m sure Saint Peter began processing my induction to sainthood at once.  My Street of Gold Hollywood Square would be right next to Mother Theresa’s.  

I sat on my bedroom floor surrounded by loads of laundry and children, still trying to recover from the blow.  I had announced forgiveness, yet everything was worse.  Why wasn’t the christian fairy dust working?!

I needed something to ground me.  Music sucked.  Screw the love songs.  I was in no mood for a conversation.

I’m not one to just sit around and listen to preaching.  Most preachers annoy me, but listening to a preacher that day seemed like the only thing that could ground me.  I’d heard Matt Chandler once before, and liked him, so I decided to look him up and see what else he had to say.

I downloaded his church app and clicked “latest sermon”.  Marriage and Oaths.  Just perrrr-fect.

Matt Chandler’s words pierced my spirit like a knife.  He shared the story of Hosea and Gomer and reminded me that it’s an example of Christ and his people.  Even though I am in near constant betrayal, God remains ferociously committed to me.  And the kicker?  He pursues me while in my betrayal.

Sobs.  Uncontrollable sobs.  Laying on my back in my closet, I now knew the pain of betrayal.  And yet for years I had daily inflicted the pain of betrayal on the One I loved the most.  And he still chased after me with ferocious commitment.

The purpose of marriage is to demonstrate that same commitment here on earth.  Matt Chandler continued, we are human and neither person in the marriage is perfect like Christ.  He told the story of how he would lay awake and think of all the things that were wrong with his wife.  All the things that he thought she needed to change.  Then one night it became clear.  She’s not the one he needed to change.  He, himself, was the one he needed to focus on changing.  At that moment he left his wife’s changes up to God.

Red eyes.  Puffy face.  I emerged from my closet with two resolutions branded on my heart:

1. I was ferociously committed to my covenant marriage, and

2. My focus was now on discovering MY responsibility in the destruction of my marriage.

So you understand my shock when my Matt sat me down a few nights later and told me his decision to leave for good.  Friday he’d be back to get his stuff.

What? I have forgiven and you’re walking out?!  I took my forgiveness to a new level.  I’m ferociously committed!!  Peter is probably expediting my sainthood right now!

It took two more days, but I finally ran out of air.

I vaguely remember Charis, my eldest, herding her siblings up the stairs while their mother ran out of air.  My mind welcomed the swirling darkness.

{Part three here}