You’re probably here because you feel like forgiving the other woman, or at least that you should forgive her. Maybe you’re a person of faith, and you’ve heard that if you don’t forgive others, then God won’t forgive you. And there’s no way you want to spend eternity burning alongside her.
But how is forgiving the other woman possible when the very thought of her evokes a visceral hatred like no other?
It’s a Universal Betrayal
I get it. The betrayal of the other woman is different and can feel sharper somehow than your husband’s betrayal. With your husband, there’s a foundation—history, memories, shared dreams, and the life you built together. You have a relationship with him, and even though he broke it into pieces, you can fix the broken pieces and find a path forward. You may find ways to work through the pain together through time and intentional healing, piece together what’s left, and ultimately forgive him for his choices. But with the other woman, it’s different. It’s not just about a broken relationship. It’s the betrayal of a universal sisterhood.
As women, we know how difficult it is to be in a marriage relationship. We collectively know how much work it takes to stay connected with our husbands, keep love alive, and raise a family. This shared understanding often translates into a quiet but deeply held trust that other women will honor each other’s commitment and that they won’t step into our marriages as intruders.
As women, we need to look out for each other, even when we don’t know each other personally. Another woman’s man, especially one with a wife and children, is supposed to be off-limits. We instinctively understand what’s at stake—love, trust, and commitment—and that we would never willingly cause that level of pain for another woman.
But when the other woman disregards that boundary, it feels like she’s done more than disrupt your marriage. She’s violated this unspoken sisterhood and dismissed the significance of your family. Her actions declare that your marriage and family weren’t worth respecting. She has intruded into the heart of your life, not as someone you know, but as someone who chose to ignore your value as a wife, a mother, and a woman. That’s a betrayal that cuts deep, a wound that feels impossible to heal because it’s not personal. It’s the collective womanhood.
Stop Giving Her Power Over You
After the affair is over and everyone returns to their own lives, she seems to walk away scot-free while you’re left to pick up all the broken pieces. It feels so unfair that she doesn’t have to live with the devastating aftermath of her recklessness. While she moves on, seemingly untouched, you’re left standing in the wreckage, forced to pick up the shattered pieces of your marriage, family, and sense of security. The unfairness of it all can be overwhelming. It’s natural to look at her and think, Why does she get to walk away without consequence?
Maybe a part of you relishes the idea of paying her back for what she’s done, to feel even a fraction of the pain you feel. Perhaps you fantasize about all the ways you can make her life the hell she made yours. After all, it seems only fair that she should experience consequences for her choices.
Yet, holding onto these thoughts, no matter how justified they may feel, keeps you chained to her. Every time you replay those fantasies, you’re giving her power over you. Your husband brought her into your marriage, but you keep her there by letting her live rent free in your head.
You’re not wrong for feeling hurt or angry. Those feelings are valid, and it’s okay to acknowledge them. But ultimately, letting go of your anger toward the other woman is about reclaiming your life. It’s about taking back the emotional energy she doesn’t deserve and using it to build something meaningful for yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting her off the hook. It means releasing yourself from the pain and suffering.
You’re not saying what she did was okay by choosing to release her hold on you. You’re simply deciding that her choices no longer have the power to control your life. It’s a shift from feeling powerless to taking back your strength, allowing you to heal on your terms, unburdened by someone who doesn’t deserve a permanent place in your story.
Forgiving is Setting Yourself Free
When you choose to forgive her, you’re not doing it for her. You’re doing it for yourself. You’re reclaiming your peace, your emotional stability, and your life. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the chains of resentment, allowing you to move forward.
So, how do you know when you’ve truly forgiven her? It’s not about a grand gesture or a sudden shift in feelings. It’s a subtle change that happens over time. You know you’ve genuinely forgiven her when you no longer fantasize about vengeance or revenge. Instead, when you think of her, it’s with indifference. She no longer matters. You’ve moved on.
You take back control of your life by letting go of your judgment and anger. You release the emotional weight that has kept you tethered to the past. In doing so, you create room for healing and peace. You set yourself free.
Charity, your transparency and willingness to accept the responsibilty of being a true Christian is just beautiful. People are going to hurt us…they’re just people. I pray God extends your reach into the unforgiving hearts of many. You definitely have no “log” impeding your vision. xoxojv
Thanks, Jonnie. It’s not an easy road accepting responsibility for my darkness, but it’s the best road.
So I went back and read your story. Wow! All I can say is wow. Thank you for being so raw and honest.
Thanks, Jen, for taking the time to read it. 🙂
Wow, what a powerful post. Thanks for sharing with so much honesty.
Thank you, Sarah.
I love you, sister. So much. This vulnerability and truth is so very beautiful.
Thank you, Melissa. As you probably know, it’s not easy letting the truth be known.
You are braver than you will ever give yourself credit for. I can’t even tell you, how I admire you. So many deep, dark levels. I admire you. Really.
xo
Thanks, Cristina! You’re always a great encouragement to me! 🙂
You are incredibly brave. I know you know this.
What I notice loud and clear is you give others permission to be vulnerable, transparent and say WHAT IS SO… I am reminded of a quote from poet Muriel Rukeyser who says something along the lines of how different the world would be if all women would speak as you are speaking here.
You pave the way to forgiveness for yourself as well as for any other woman.
Blessings, dear one.
You’re right, I hope to give others the courage to be brave and discover who they are and believe they are worthy to live honestly in their world. Thanks, Julie!
Beautifully written. Our emotions are crazy things. As a psychologist I’m always fascinated by emotions and the “what would you do scenarieos” because so many people say they are so sure they know exactly what they would do, act or say in a not so flattering, or edge of the fine line situations. In reality most people don’t know what they would do because the circumstances leading up to them are different every time. The human mind is fascinating, and the more I realize how much we don’t know about it, the more I’m humbled by my own actions and reactions.
I had plenty of people tell me “what they would do”, and I was included in that group prior to everything, but I’m like you, the more I experience in life, the more I realize, I have no idea how I would react in certain scenarios. I’ve definitely learned to extend grace to those walking different roads than me, because I just don’t know.
I haven’t made it to this point yet. I was with you through the whole story – could relate to every single post with true, absolute clarity. Not this one, though. I’m not there yet. To be honest, three years later, I’ve found most of my anger is buried in my memory of her. When I get upset, I am no longer upset with myself, or my husband, but with her. It’s a deeply-seeded anger that I just haven’t quite found the power to extinguish…yet. I think I may find the grace to forgive her. I hope I someday find the grace to forgive her.
Thank you for having the courage to write about this. It is so, so rare to find someone who took a similar approach to my own….at least in my experience. You are a brave and beautiful angel and I’m so glad I found your blog.
It’s a journey and don’t be too hard on yourself, some wounds are deep and take longer to heal than others. I’m so thankful that you’re another wounded dove who fought for your marriage and are now living the reward of the risk. {hugs}
Hi Charity, what I can’t wrap my mind around regarding the other woman is, that even as I try to forgive her and wish her the best (which the very thought it makes me choke), the fact is, she is still with my husband, and making plans with my husband, making friends with my kids. Its a continual assault, and as we make arrangments for him to buy my out of our family home, she will eventually sit in my living room, walk in my yard, cook in my kitchen etc. And her happy go lucky face on my husband’s laptop shows me, someone who can care less with the destruction she had caused.
Ann, I understand you pain all too well. I wrote another post on forgiveness, and I’m a firm believer that forgiveness cannot take place until you heal from the wounds of this affair. You need to began to focus on yourself, and allow your broken heart to begin to heal, and until then, don’t beat yourself up for not being ready to forgive. Hugs to you on your broken journey.