The deepest river of my soul flows with a yearning. My heart aches for one thing. I long for something greater than me, and with every ounce of my being I strive to find it.
Acceptance.
I seek the warm embrace, the pounding of another’s heart against mine, and a voice that whispers in my ear, “You belong here, just the way you are”. Oh, if only.
Except, to find true acceptance means I must peel back the layers that hide me from the world. I must expose my heart, expose the darkness inside, and allow myself to become vulnerable to the bitter winds I can’t control.
Fear overwhelms me, because my heart still bleeds from the poisoned darts of rejection and judgment. My scars still burn from the poisoned darts of hate and abuse. I cannot endure any more pain, so I settle.
I settle to just fit in. I play the game of charades. I wear my mask and I smile. I keep everyone I know just out of arms reach, because if I let them see me, then I risk another poisoned dart to my heart, something I don’t think I would survive.
So, I ache. I yearn. I live half alive.
But, the pain doesn’t subside under all my heart’s protective layers, and my lonely heart continues to hurt.
To God I pray, “Help me”.
Then, the tender words of Love speak to my heart, “My dove, I accepted you long ago. Now, let me in”.
I carefully peel back the layers of my guarded heart. I let Him pull me close and I feel His heart pound against my feeble heart. I hear His whisper say, “You belong here, just the way you are”.
Over and over He whispers, “Oh my darling, you are all together beautiful. There is no flaw in you”.
The river of my soul overflows, because I believe Him.
Love makes me brave, so I turn and face myself. I stand and stare at my nakedness. I refuse to look away from the shame, darkness, and broken pieces inside. I expose every single layer. Never looking away.
I refuse to look away, until I accept myself. I stay until I know, I belong here, just the way I am.
Then, I turn and face the world and freely embrace those who I encounter.
I no longer fear the poisoned darts of rejection, because I’m already accepted.
This voice needs to be heard every day – I know that’s work for you…but I’m selfish like that!
Me too, sister. Me too.
xoxo
Every. Single. Day.
Again, so beautiful. Do you participate in… oh, I can’t remember the name of the blog. Five Minute Friday I believe is the name of the “activity”? Your voice rings so clearly and almost in concert with several of the ladies I know there. This world needs an ENORMOUS CONCERT of such voices so please continue singing!
Thanks, Julie! No, I haven’t heard of it, but I’m definitely going to Google it. 🙂
Your words suck me in every time. You always paint such a vivid picture.
Thanks, Jen! 🙂
Pingback: I'm Doing This For Me - The Wounded Dove