Your husband had an affair. I’m sure you swore those words would never cross your lips, but here you are. Your soul shattered by the words, and you’re so confused and desperate to figure out what to do next. 

Right now, you’re likely in the very first stage of affair recovery, shock, and soon, you’ll move into the unraveling stage, where the reality of what’s happened hits you like a tsunami. 

I wish I could tell you there’s an easy way out, but the truth is, this will be a long, difficult road through hell. And it may get worse before it gets better. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s important you know this:

Here are some tips to help you navigate this:

Don’t Make Any Lasting Decisions Right Now

When you’re in crisis, it’s easy to feel like you need to act quickly to take control of the situation. But now isn’t the time to make any lasting decisions about your marriage. Your emotions are in turmoil, and your mind is still processing what happened. Decisions made in the heat of this shock may not reflect what you truly want in the long run. Give yourself time to feel, reflect, and breathe before making any choices about the future of your relationship. It’s ok to stay for now. If you could use more clarity with your decision, check out my mini-course: Do I Stay or Do I Go?

Take It One Day at a Time

After discovering your husband had an affair, it’s natural to feel desperate for answers or to figure out the future uncertainty. But right now, your only goal should be to make it through each day. In crisis, focusing on just one day at a time can help ease the anxiety of the unknown. There are so many questions, but it is impossible to answer them all at once. Trust that each day will bring you the answers in its own way. Focus on what you need to do to make it through today.

Take Care of Yourself (and Your Children)

When you’re dealing with the shock of an affair, it’s common to feel overwhelmed and even forget to care for yourself. But now, more than ever, taking care of your physical and mental well-being is essential. Make sure you’re eating, sleeping, and finding moments of calm where you can. If you have children, they need you to stay strong, even if you’re hurting inside. Don’t abandon yourself in this crisis. Prioritize your health. It will give you the strength you need to overcome this.

Healthy Eating and Exercise

Dealing with the emotional aftermath of infidelity is incredibly challenging, and nurturing your body can play a crucial role in your recovery. Here’s how nourishing your body and staying active can aid in healing:

Give Your Brain the Fuel it Needs

1. Nutrient-Rich Foods: Eating balanced meals packed with nutrients can help stabilize your mood and provide the energy your brain needs to function optimally. Aim for a variety of wholesome foods such as:
   • Fruits like berries and citrus, which are high in vitamins.
   • Whole grains like oatmeal, providing a slow-release energy source.
   • Proteins from lean meats or plant-based options, aiding in tissue repair and energy levels.
2. Avoid Processed Foods: While it may be tempting to indulge in comfort foods, try to steer clear of fast food and overly processed snacks. These can lead to energy crashes and mood swings, counterproductive to your emotional healing.

Engage in Daily Physical Activity

• Boosts Endorphins: Exercise releases endorphins, the body’s natural mood enhancers. Even a short 10-minute walk outdoors can lift your spirits and offer a mental break.
• Supports Mental Healing: Physical activity has been shown to foster the creation of new brain cells and the healing chemicals essential for recovery from emotional stress.

By prioritizing a nutritious diet and regular exercise, you are actively contributing to both your physical well-being and emotional recovery, steering yourself towards a healthier, more balanced state of mind.

Avoid Alcohol, Drugs, and Caffeine

Experiencing the emotional turmoil triggered by discovering a spouse’s infidelity can overwhelm your mind with stress chemicals. Substances like alcohol, drugs, and caffeine can intensify this mental chaos, delaying emotional recovery and clouding decision-making abilities.

Alcohol and Depression

Alcohol acts as a depressant and can exacerbate feelings of sadness or despair during a time when you’re already vulnerable. Although it may provide a temporary escape, alcohol can significantly disrupt your sleep patterns and deepen emotional distress in the long run.

Drugs and Impaired Judgment

Turning to recreational drugs may seem like an easy escape from emotional pain, but they often distort judgement, leading to impulsive decisions that you might regret later. Instead of offering relief, these substances can complicate and prolong your ability to process emotions healthily.

Caffeine and Anxiety

Caffeine, a common stimulant found in coffee, tea, and energy drinks, can amplify feelings of anxiety or restlessness. If you’re accustomed to caffeine, consider limiting your intake to one small cup of coffee per day. Opt instead for nerve-soothing beverages like herbal teas and stay hydrated with water to support your brain’s recovery.

Being mindful of these choices can provide a more stable emotional footing, allowing you to navigate this difficult time with greater clarity and eventual peace.

Give It Time

Time is your ally. I know that’s the last thing you want to hear, because you’re desperate to get through this and return to normal life. This chaos and pain won’t last forever, but both you and your husband need time to navigate this difficult period and slowly find your footing again. It’s not something that will happen overnight, but it also won’t feel like this forever. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away, but the only path to healing is through this process, as hard as it may be.

Give yourselves the patience and space to let time work its healing. It will take time to process your feelings, time to understand what you want, and time for both you and your husband to find stability again. Allow space for this healing process. Rushing may lead to more confusion and heartache, but giving it time helps you move toward clarity and, eventually, toward peace.

Get Support

You don’t have to face this alone. While it can be tempting to turn to family and friends for support, be cautious about how much you share with them. While their support may help you through the day-to-day, they may not always agree with your decisions moving forward. If you and your husband work toward reconciliation, the details you’ve shared with family or friends can lead to lingering pain and tension that affects those relationships for years to come.

Confide in a Friend Your Trust

Opening up about a spouse’s affair is a deeply personal decision, and who you choose to share this with can significantly impact your emotional journey and healing process. Here’s why a casual friend or acquaintance might be a better option than a best friend or family member:

1. Impartial Support
   Friends outside your inner circle often provide a more objective perspective, free from the familial bias that can color judgments. Family members may struggle to separate their emotions, leading to permanent negative views of your spouse that could complicate future family dynamics.
2. Protecting Future Relationships
   If you choose to repair your marriage, maintaining a neutral foundation within your family and close friendships is crucial. Casual friends that you don’t have a deep relationship can offer the support you need without the risk of damaging long-term relationships.
3. Creating a Safe Space for Expression
   With friends, you’re more likely to find a supportive environment where you can openly process your feelings without worrying about creating lasting resentment. This allows you to speak freely, which is essential for emotional healing.

Ultimately, sharing this sensitive information with a trusted casual friend instead of family or bestie can help preserve your close relationships while still providing you a shoulder to lean on.

Talk to a professional.

Consider sparing them the additional heartache and find a professional to talk to. You deserve a safe space to work through your feelings.

Find a therapist who supports family healing over divorce and understands betrayal trauma healing. I offer 1:1 coaching as well as a free support group where you can connect with others on a similar journey.

Right now, it may feel like life will never be the same. Discovering that your husband had an affair is deeply painful and life-altering, but you don’t have to face this alone. Take things slowly, focus on one day at a time, and prioritize your own well-being. There’s no quick fix, but with time, support, and a commitment to healing, you will find your way through this. Be gentle with yourself. I’m here in your corner.