I Live With a Monster {Part 3}

{You can read part one and two here}

Sinking under the swirling pain of betrayal, I tried everything I knew to restore my relationship with Matt, but at some point I was no longer dealing with Dr. Jekyll; Mr. Hyde replaced my loving husband.

I watched my tenderhearted God-fearing man turn into a monster.  How could someone so wonderful and kind be capable of something so evil?

I did my best to deal with all the emotions.  I would open the hatch to my heart just long enough to shove the new twist or turn inside and slammed the lid before too much escaped.  As the weeks passed, it grew harder to keep the hatch locked.

It was a cold morning as I got my two eldest ready for school.  I spent most of the morning growing in mental frustration thinking of how horrible the monster my husband had become.  I remember asking Porter to put his coat and backpack on while I went to warm up the van.  We were running late and needed to leave as soon as I came back.

It’s hard to explain without going into great detail, but walking into the garage there was a trigger, a trigger that sent me into a fury.  I remember clenching my teeth as my fury toward Matt intensified.

When I walked into the house I saw that Porter had not moved from where I had left him.  His coat was not on.  His backpack was not on.

The lock on my hatch snapped open.

I was holding his little brother’s coat and immediately it became my weapon.  With months of wrath, I began to unleash every ounce of my pain and anger on Porter.

Over and over with all my force I attacked.  Screaming and hitting, I was completely out of control.  I watched my five-year-old baby curl up in the fetal position on the floor while I raged over him.

In that moment, I broke every promise I ever made him.  I betrayed my love.

Once I emptied myself, I stood in horror.  As I looked into the face of Porter, a gash over his eye where the zipper had wrapped around his head and caught his face, I looked into innocent eyes full of terror.

An unseen hand held up an invisible mirror and I stared at the reflection of a monster.  How can someone who loves God as much as me, fail so grandly?  How could I be capable of something so evil?

Immediately I was flooded.  Shame.  Guilt.  Darkness.  Failure.

I called my mom and she drove two hours to come get my children.  She promised to keep them as long as needed.

That night alone and broken, I kept my promise to a friend to watch her lead a night of prayer and worship.  Sitting on the back row, I emotionally and mentally beat myself down.  For over an hour, I duly inflicted my penance.

“Father, I failed you.  I cannot trust myself.  My disappointment is too severe and I cannot bear the pain of knowing there is such darkness inside me”.

I wish I could take you back to what happened next.  I wish you could experience that moment in time.

In one second, physically, I felt something rush up off me, and almost involuntarily my head lifted.

Over and over I heard inside, “I love you. I don’t condemn you. I love you.  I love YOU.  I know you love me, too”.

For the first time in my life, a tangible Love touched me.  In that exact moment, I encountered God’s desire for me.  My anguish vanished, and I was overwhelmed with love and acceptance.

Katy Perry’s song, Unconditionally, so eloquently speaks the words of God to his people,

All your insecurities

All the dirty laundry

Never made me blink one time

Unconditional Unconditionally

I will love you unconditionally

There is no fear now

Let go and just be free

I will love you unconditionally

Even though there is such darkness inside of me, I am still lovely to God and my weak love overwhelms him.

{Part 4, Why I Stayed and Fought}