When Your Muse Shows Back Up

I miss this space. I miss opening up my chest, and showing you my darkest places. I miss our 3 a.m. rendezvous as I poured myself onto my keyboard. I think of you often, and my thoughts usually trail away with some day I’ll go back.

Three years ago, when I wrote my first post, I had no plans for this place, and since I pretty much quit everything I’ve ever started, I figured I’d quit blogging too, so I told myself, I’ll write until I quit. You know, I like to keep high expectations for myself.  So, I wrote, mostly the hard stuff, and I discovered home in this space; not an Alfred Hitchcock version of home, but gooey brownies in the oven, hot cocoa, and snuggles around the fireplace kind of home. I loved coming here, and I never wanted to leave.

Sunset at Broadwalk

Then, something happened. After two years of writing nearly every week, I couldn’t think of anything to write. I suddenly didn’t have a story to tell. I mean I did have a story, a journey, but out of nowhere it was my personal journey that begged to stay private. My blooming heart became a secret garden, a cherished hideaway for Love. I couldn’t figure out what was happening to me. Why was it suddenly so difficult to share my story, when sharing all the hard stuff had been so easy.

That’s when I discovered, after several years of pursuing Love, I wasn’t broken anymore. I didn’t feel pain when someone poked a finger into my heart. My damaged soul had healed, and I could feel power rushing through my veins. I didn’t identify with wounded anymore, I was me, alive and well. It excited me to think that now my story was no longer the story of healing, but rather I could share the story of wholeness. That’s when I changed my blog name from The Wounded Dove to Charity Craig. I was ready to write about this new leg of my journey.

Nope. Nothing. Every time I sat down to write, the words came out cracked and dry.

I didn’t want to close the doors to my heart, I wasn’t ready to stop talking about all the wonders I discovered, and yet my muse of inspiration had already packed her bags and moved to Tucson or Bali or wherever she decided to disappear to. Well, I didn’t need her anyway. I wasn’t about to quit. So, I joined writing challenges. I broadened my writing topics. I allowed myself to just shoot the breeze and not write every post about the interior of the human heart. I tried so hard to hang on, to write, yet, the harder I tried, the more the words turned to vapor, the more my locked garden refused to open. I could feel my home slipping away from me, and I was terrified.

I remembered something my counselor told me in the middle of my mess, “Charity, be careful not to wrap your identity in Matt’s affair.” At the time, I didn’t know what she meant. In fact, it sounded kind of stupid. Who in their right mind would ever wrap their identity up in something so painful as this? Yet, here I was, complete wrapped up in the mess of my past. Without realizing it, I began to identify myself with the wounded chapter of our life, it gave me purpose, a reason. I had wrapped myself around the girl who survived an affair. I was The Wounded Dove. I had taken the broken pieces of life, wove them into my hair, and called it me.

I knew I wasn’t the sum of my parts. My DNA is made in the image of Love. I am in Love and Love is within me, except I wasn’t practicing this truth. It’s in this moment I knew I had to let go of this space. Well, it was more like accepting that this space was letting go of me.

We moved to Disney

Over the past year, I started a Disney blog with Matt, we moved our family to Orlando, Florida, started a Disney inspired jewelry business, and day after day I’ve practiced being Charity, just Charity. And it’s felt good.

At 3 a.m. this morning, my eyes popped open. After an hour of tossing around my bed, I shuffled into our living room for some yoga stretching. It was in the middle of my cat cow when I heard the sheepish knock of inspiration. I curled up on the couch to see if she was really back or just a passing tease. As the words began to flow through my mind, I grabbed my laptop and made a pot of coffee. Sitting in the darkness, my muse and I, working together felt like old times. It makes my heart pump a little faster coming back here with you.

So, where do we go from here? What does this mean for us? Am I back for good?

I don’t know, and I’m not going to try and figure it out — high expectations, remember? So, maybe this is the beginning of a new chapter here, or maybe it’s just a reminiscent of our time together.

Either way, I am still accepted, and I am still loved, and it feels great to be back.

xo, Charity

6 Comments

  • 11 months ago

    Yay! Glad you’re back, even though I haven’t been reading your blog for long. I love your writing and am low key obsessed with your family. (Hope I don’t sound too much like a creeper 🙂

    • 11 months ago

      Haha! You don’t sound like a creeper!! 🙂 And thank you!

  • 11 months ago

    I love this! I have been “wordless” lately too. You are inspiring truth that as seasons change, so must our message. Onward!

  • Sarah
    11 months ago

    How in the world did I just now find this space? I’ve been following you and Matt for about 6 months now and I’ve managed to get my hands on 3 of your amazing bracelets. I follow so many Disney accounts and I often wonder what life is like behind the Instagram filters. I just spent the last 30 minutes reading through your posts and I’m just in awe. God has blessed you with so much and it’s amazing to read how He’s been working in your life and I can’t wait to see what He has in store for you and your family, Charity! 🙂

    • 6 months ago

      Thank you so much! I’m the same way when it comes to people online. It’s easy to begin to believe the filters are the whole story. I’m so glad you took the time to hang out here and read our story. Thanks again! xx

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