Most of us get married with a pure heart. Our hearts are full of love, hope and dreams. We set off on the journey with our one true love, but for so many of us, instead of walking off into the sunset, we find ourselves walking straight into hell or at least that’s what we think at the time, and instead of love, it all seems to be one big mistake. We weigh our options, and our bleeding heart decides to do what is for the best. The best is to make a clean break and move on to better things.
Then, the dust settles, time passes, and your heart stops bleeding. You can’t remember how much you used to hurt, but you can remember how much you used to love, and every time you drop off the kids, you are reminded that it was never that bad. Maybe you could’ve made it, after all.
Only, it’s too late. There’s no fight to fight. The marriage was buried and now maybe one or both of you have found another to love.
Or maybe you’re still angry at the one person you loved so deeply, because the wounds are still too profound to manage, you ignore the dead relationship the best you can, but seeing that person with someone else sends a shooting pain through your heart.
I’ve began to look at the death of a relationships as the death of a loved-one, so when we go through a divorce or break-up, we experience the same pain, anger, and confusion just as if that person had died, because there’s no going back. There’s no way to bring that relationship back to life, but for so many of us, especially Christians, we feel like the only thing to do is bury it, ignore the pain, and “give it to Jesus”.
The problem is that if we do not properly grieve the loss of someone we loved so deeply, then we will keep that relationship hidden in our heart, the wound won’t heal properly, and anytime that place of our heart is touched we writhe in pain.
We believe if we go back to that place of death, we will ruin the current relationship, we believe if we truly let ourselves hurt over the loss of our dreams and life with that person, then we are weak and what’s the point?, but I don’t agree at all. Dealing with the past, dead relationship with grief, self-forgiveness, and acceptance actually opens our hearts to make more room for the amazing people who are currently in our life.
So, allow yourself some time to go back and properly grieve the loss of that special relationship. Feel the pain of the loss. Admit the regret, and accept that part of your past, because it tells your very important story.
Practice self-love. Take care of yourself during the grieving process. Be gentle to your heart, say, “I forgive you” to yourself everyday, and accept the forgiveness when it’s offered.
Through this process watch your heart open wide to freely love the person in your life right now (or the person who will soon be part of your life).
Here’s this week’s Chai with Charity where I talk about this very thing — grieving the loss of a marriage.
Enjoy and be sure to share this with someone who may need to hear this!