A Hole + Me In It

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Over and over, day after day, I would live in the depths of despair.  I would wallow in self-pity complaining to God about my miserable life.  In my heart, I held Matt accountable for my misery, I quietly blamed my parents for my lot in life, and secretly I resented my children for tying me down.  My time was spent sinking under the wet blanket of depression, constantly waiting, constantly hoping for something to change.

Why did God allow me to live a life this way?  God, help me!

It wasn’t until my clay pot was smashed by the anvil of betrayal, that I began to take stock in my life.  I couldn’t deny the hole I was in any longer.

I had a list a mile long for whom I blamed that my feet were stuck in the muddy hole of life, but the more I visited my list the more I found one constant.  There was only one who was there every single time.  There was just one person I could blame for being in my hole.  Me.

It was my fault.

So, if I wanted a change, if I wanted to make it out of my misery, then I had to take responsibility for the hole I was in and I had to change the sidewalk I was traveling down.

There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk
By Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

I now walk down another street, and it started with the street of my mind.

14 Comments

  • 3 years ago

    Have you written a book? Or maybe one in the works? Your words are so captivating. I’m sure you are such an inspiration to women who have been in your shoes. You are an inspiration to me even though I’ve never been there. Just being so honest and confirming that life isn’t all roses and that’s ok.

    • Charity
      3 years ago

      I literally said to my husband this morning, “I’m on a journey, and one day I’m gonna say, ‘I’m gonna write a book and nothing’s going to stop me'”. 😉 So, yes, I want to write a book.

  • 3 years ago

    Isn’t this the truth – it’s much easier to blame circumstances than take responsibility. I struggle with this my kids, too, trying to get them to understand consequences. Blame doesn’t get you change.

    • Charity
      3 years ago

      Oh, I know. I’m constantly saying, “Don’t tell me what the other person did, tell me what YOU did”.

  • And you’ve read the brilliant quote from Louisa May Alcott on my blog today? 🙂

    There are so many people who never get past the first couple stanzas in this poem. I love it. Exceptional! Absolutely!

    Once people stop blaming others for the holes they find themselves in, the better off each and all will be. Period. Congratulations on making that realization and choosing to change. Love to hear how you are discussing all of this with your husband.

    Many congratulations!

    • Charity
      3 years ago

      We have some doozy conversations, and now we’re learning to give each other permission to call each other out when we want to play the victim. 🙂

  • 3 years ago

    I think realizing that you are the common denominator is both freeing and scary. Freeing because YOU can change it and therefore change everything else, scary because you realize simultaneously, that it was all you, all along.

    POWERFUL!

    • Charity
      3 years ago

      I definitely have had a love hate relationship during this journey.

  • 3 years ago

    Absolutely fantastic post! I am in love with these words! I remember years ago when I finally figured out the bittersweet feeling of being honest with myself and realizing the blame game had to stop. It stung a little to realize I put myself where I was, but it was a freeing feeling and it’s only been up since then. I need to stop and remind myself of this every now and then, but it really is a beautiful thing to be able to realize that you write your own story, both the good and the bad. Only you can determine how you will react to life’s obstacles.

    • Charity
      3 years ago

      Thanks! I’m not sure why it took me so long to figure this one out, but I’m so thankful for finally getting the clue.

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